Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
