I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
