you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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