twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
