My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
