Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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