My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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