Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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