I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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