I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
