party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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