You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
