Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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