Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
