she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
