Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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