The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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