He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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