This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
