My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
