you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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