just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
