I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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