Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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