remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i love accidental penises.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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