well I can't set my house on fire every night
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
