I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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