Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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