So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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