I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
