The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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