I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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