Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
