Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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