Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
