gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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