he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
