its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
