the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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