I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
