His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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