Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
