Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
