This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
