I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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