I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
