apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
