He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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