so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
