Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
